Why Can't I Get My Teenager To Talk To Me?
By Melody Chase
Do you ever wonder why your teenager just doesn’t talk to you?
Well, I was watching an episode of Law and Order S.V.U., the TV drama series that inspired me to write an article about that question.
In this episode one of the lead detectives was at home making sandwiches with his teenage daughter.
He asked his daughter why teenagers don’t tell the truth to their parents.
The daughter said, “Well that’s an easy answer, parents like you Dad expect us to be like you, then you judge us and get angry at us when we are not. It’s just easier to talk to our friends.”
I liked her answer so much I decided to expand on it and include some suggestions on how to regain your teenagers trust in being open and honest with you.
Remember Your Teenager Is Unique: Your child is not exactly like you, he or she is a unique individual and what may be highest and best for you, may not be highest and best for your teenager.
Remember Not To Be in Judgment: We have a client who we will call Sharon who sees us for relationship counselling who also has relationship problems with her 15 year old daughter Jill. Sharon was having a lot of problems with Jill, because Jill was extremely wild and disruptive with her.
As a client of ours, Sharon has learned about different personalities and what the needs of the different personalities are.
Sharon proceeded in taking everything she learned about personalities, communication and that “relationships are a mutual fulfilling of needs” and tried communicate with her daughter Jill.
Sharon was going through all the correct motions, but Jill was still being the same rude and uncontrollable, wild teenager.
Sharon was confused until we figured out that although she knew what Jill wanted, Sharon didn’t approve of it and was in judgment about Jill’s personality and needs in general.
Sharon also had a lot of built-up anger and resentment towards her daughter which she wouldn’t verbally admit to since Sharon is naturally a pleasant person who gets along with most people, and of course, being a Mom she didn’t want to admit to being resentful towards her daughter.
However, none of what was going on under the surface was getting past her daughter. Jill felt everything that her Mother was feeling, so Jill was still reacting to her Mother’s anger and judgment.
This was especially common for Jill’s type of personality which is called the Expressive Personality, her main need in life is just to be loved for who she is, no matter what she does or doesn’t do and she wasn’t feeling that from her Mom.
So the best way to go into a discussion, (which is what we recommended to Sharon) is with the L.A.N.A mindset.
L.A.N.A. stands for LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, NON-RESISTANCE and ALLOWANCE. If Sharon approached Jill (or if you, as a parent can go into any conversation with your teen) with Love, Acceptance, Non-resistance and Allowance, both Sharon and you will feel much more open to supporting your teens and focus on their needs without getting anger or triggered.
As for Jill and your own teen, they will feel supported and accepted for who they are so they won’t feel the need to defend themselves or get angry.
Remember To Not React: Remember not to react if there is something that your teen says that you do not approve of.
Do you like it when your teenager snaps at you? Does it make you want to open up and have a conversation when your teenager is angry at you? Well, reality check - that is what you are doing to your teenager if you are reacting to what he or she says.
As an adult, if you had a choice between two friends, one who unconditionally listens to what you say and another friend who snaps and criticizes everything you say, who would you choose to talk to?
If you truly loved and cared for yourself, why would you subject yourself to a person who causes you to feel bad? If you wouldn’t do that to yourself, why would you subject your teenager to that by forcing or expecting them to talk to you, if you are reactive with them?
So do you best to prevent yourself from reacting and if you do, explain that you are not angry at them, but at their behaviour and that you are aware that your reaction is not the highest and best way to deal with the situation.
Empathize and Validate Your Teen: Even if you do not agree with what your teen is telling you, your teen will be much more open to listening to you as well as opening up to you if they feel like you are understanding what they are feeling, experiencing and what their point of view is, so they feel like you have their back even if you are not in agreement with them.
A quick way to empathize with your teen is to use the following empathy technique.
The first 2 steps are from the book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality” by J. Kreisman, M.D. and Hal Straus, (Published Avon Books, Feb 01, 1991).
Say the following:
1) I am very concerned about your feelings.
2) It must be horrible (or whatever description fits the situation) that you feel … or that … happened to you or I understand how you feel.
3) How can I support you or how can I help you to feel better?
This way your teen knows that you are concerned and acknowledged how he or she feels. You also put the solution to how they can feel better in their hands so it increases the chances of resolving what they need.
Promise You Will Do Your Best To Work With Him or Her: It will take time to build trust with your teenager, but if you explain to them that you understand why they are hesitant to talk with you and that you promise to do your best to be fair and not be in judgment of them, overtime your teenager will begin to see that talking to you is not as potentially painful or hard for them as it used to be.
In conclusion, teenagers have a lot going on in their lives from school, to hormones, to finding their identity and independence, dealing with peer pressure and the opposite sex, but there is no reason that you and your teenager cannot have open communication as long as you respect your teenager not just as your child, but as a fellow human being with feelings and a right to be heard in an environment of unconditional love and understanding.
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