2 posts tagged “communication”
By Melody Chase
Do you ever wonder why your teenager just doesn’t talk to you?
Well, I was watching an episode of Law and Order S.V.U., the TV drama series that inspired me to write an article about that question.
In this episode one of the lead detectives was at home making sandwiches with his teenage daughter.
He asked his daughter why teenagers don’t tell the truth to their parents.
The daughter said, “Well that’s an easy answer, parents like you Dad expect us to be like you, then you judge us and get angry at us when we are not. It’s just easier to talk to our friends.”
I liked her answer so much I decided to expand on it and include some suggestions on how to regain your teenagers trust in being open and honest with you.
Remember Your Teenager Is Unique: Your child is not exactly like you, he or she is a unique individual and what may be highest and best for you, may not be highest and best for your teenager.
Remember Not To Be in Judgment: We have a client who we will call Sharon who sees us for relationship counselling who also has relationship problems with her 15 year old daughter Jill. Sharon was having a lot of problems with Jill, because Jill was extremely wild and disruptive with her.
As a client of ours, Sharon has learned about different personalities and what the needs of the different personalities are.
Sharon proceeded in taking everything she learned about personalities, communication and that “relationships are a mutual fulfilling of needs” and tried communicate with her daughter Jill.
Sharon was going through all the correct motions, but Jill was still being the same rude and uncontrollable, wild teenager.
Sharon was confused until we figured out that although she knew what Jill wanted, Sharon didn’t approve of it and was in judgment about Jill’s personality and needs in general.
Sharon also had a lot of built-up anger and resentment towards her daughter which she wouldn’t verbally admit to since Sharon is naturally a pleasant person who gets along with most people, and of course, being a Mom she didn’t want to admit to being resentful towards her daughter.
However, none of what was going on under the surface was getting past her daughter. Jill felt everything that her Mother was feeling, so Jill was still reacting to her Mother’s anger and judgment.
This was especially common for Jill’s type of personality which is called the Expressive Personality, her main need in life is just to be loved for who she is, no matter what she does or doesn’t do and she wasn’t feeling that from her Mom.
So the best way to go into a discussion, (which is what we recommended to Sharon) is with the L.A.N.A mindset.
L.A.N.A. stands for LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, NON-RESISTANCE and ALLOWANCE. If Sharon approached Jill (or if you, as a parent can go into any conversation with your teen) with Love, Acceptance, Non-resistance and Allowance, both Sharon and you will feel much more open to supporting your teens and focus on their needs without getting anger or triggered.
As for Jill and your own teen, they will feel supported and accepted for who they are so they won’t feel the need to defend themselves or get angry.
Remember To Not React: Remember not to react if there is something that your teen says that you do not approve of.
Do you like it when your teenager snaps at you? Does it make you want to open up and have a conversation when your teenager is angry at you? Well, reality check - that is what you are doing to your teenager if you are reacting to what he or she says.
As an adult, if you had a choice between two friends, one who unconditionally listens to what you say and another friend who snaps and criticizes everything you say, who would you choose to talk to?
If you truly loved and cared for yourself, why would you subject yourself to a person who causes you to feel bad? If you wouldn’t do that to yourself, why would you subject your teenager to that by forcing or expecting them to talk to you, if you are reactive with them?
So do you best to prevent yourself from reacting and if you do, explain that you are not angry at them, but at their behaviour and that you are aware that your reaction is not the highest and best way to deal with the situation.
Empathize and Validate Your Teen: Even if you do not agree with what your teen is telling you, your teen will be much more open to listening to you as well as opening up to you if they feel like you are understanding what they are feeling, experiencing and what their point of view is, so they feel like you have their back even if you are not in agreement with them.
A quick way to empathize with your teen is to use the following empathy technique.
The first 2 steps are from the book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality” by J. Kreisman, M.D. and Hal Straus, (Published Avon Books, Feb 01, 1991).
Say the following:
1) I am very concerned about your feelings.
2) It must be horrible (or whatever description fits the situation) that you feel … or that … happened to you or I understand how you feel.
3) How can I support you or how can I help you to feel better?
This way your teen knows that you are concerned and acknowledged how he or she feels. You also put the solution to how they can feel better in their hands so it increases the chances of resolving what they need.
Promise You Will Do Your Best To Work With Him or Her: It will take time to build trust with your teenager, but if you explain to them that you understand why they are hesitant to talk with you and that you promise to do your best to be fair and not be in judgment of them, overtime your teenager will begin to see that talking to you is not as potentially painful or hard for them as it used to be.
In conclusion, teenagers have a lot going on in their lives from school, to hormones, to finding their identity and independence, dealing with peer pressure and the opposite sex, but there is no reason that you and your teenager cannot have open communication as long as you respect your teenager not just as your child, but as a fellow human being with feelings and a right to be heard in an environment of unconditional love and understanding.
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In one of my other parenting articles that you may come across, I mentioned the importance of understanding and communicating with your children in their communication mode in order to get your children to listen.
Another important area that communication modes can come in handy is the ability to increase your children's success in learning.
What is a communication mode? Simply put we all learn, express love and communicate through different communication modes or combinations of modes, often called communication channels.
There are four main communication modes called Visual, Auditory, Digital and Kinesthetic. As a parent if you tap into your child's unique learning style through their communication mode you can both teach your children in their communication mode as well as teach your children about their own learning style so when they are on their own or in school they can use the communication style technique that benefit them the most in regards to learning.
So the following is a brief overview of the four communication modes as well as examples of how people learn through their communication modes. You can be primarily one mode or a mixture of up to all four:
Visual people communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things. They learn by seeing and doing.
For a Visual child to learn, visual aides are good such as pictures, writing on a chalkboard or whiteboard, watching interactions or role plays of others and/or participating in role-plays. Reading as well as writing out what they are learning about is also powerful learning tools for Visuals.
A Visual child can learn through watching, just like I explained in my last article about when my Visual, Kinesthetic child Cameron wasn't listening when I was telling him to pick up his toys. Once I understood what his communication modes were, I showed him what I wanted by putting his toys away, he watched and not only did he understood what I was communicating but he was learning about what to do as well.
Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab and are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you. They learn by hearing.
For an Auditory Child, teaching verbally, having the child being taught to repeat back verbally what they have learned, have music playing while they are being taught, learning through song with the information in the song or actually making up songs with the answers to what they are learning it are all excellent learning tools. Auditory children can also use sound associations, for example a certain sound is associated to what they are learning.
My son Cameron is not Auditory, so he would not learn if I was teaching him something verbally without any visual cues, whereas my oldest son Joey, who is Auditory and Digital, would not need the Visual cues, he could just listen to what I say or repeat back what I am saying or teaching himself.
Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. They find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood. They learn by understanding.
Digital Children can learn by explaining the "what", "when", "how" and "why" of what is being taught as well as going step by step in a process that gets started at the beginning and doesn't jump around but goes in order. Making connections and explaining so they understand the purpose, concept and origin of the topic they are learning about is also important for a Digital child. Reading is also perfect for Digitals, as well as writing.
If I was teaching my son Joey, who is Digital how to load our dishwasher for example, I just wouldn't be able to show him and leave him there. I would have to explain where and why each dish, cup and utensil would go where they go in a step by step process and by explaining why it's necessary to set the dishwasher up that way so he will understand, he will easily learn to do it without hesitation or confusion.
Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. They move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activities and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched. They learn through touch and through experience.
Kinesthetic Children learn through acting out role plays, walking through or actually doing what they are learning as well as associating or learning things through touch. (Like the Leap Frog learning toys that are interactive by touching what they are learning about on top of visual and auditory cues.)
It is possible to learn and memorize by associating touch or certain textures to them for a Kinesthetic. This may sound odd or hard to picture, but a Kinesthetic person would understand. Writing something out may also work for a Kinesthetic child.
With my son Cameron, who is Kinesthetic as well as Visual, he learned how to put his toys away not just by watching me, but by touching, picking up the toys and walking through the activity of putting the toys away in order to learn how to put his toys away.
Each child is unique, but when they understand what their own communication mode is and discover for themselves what communication techniques work best for them when they are learning, they can take these powerful ways of learning with them and continue using them as successful and confident adults.
Tanis Nicole Wright
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